You're Not Shaken

I am sinking in the river that is raging

I am drowning, will I ever rise to breathe again?

I want to know why, I just want to understand

Will I ever know why
How could this be from Your Hand?

When every little thing that I dream of being

Just slips away like water from my hands

and when it seems the walls of my beliefs

come crashing down like they're all made of sand

I won't let go of you now, because I know

That You're not shaken.

I am trembling in the darkness of my own fear

All the questions with no answers

they grip me while I'm here

and I may never know why

and I may never understand

But I will lift up my eyes

and trust this is Your plan

I know You're in the valley of the shadow of death

and You're not shaken...

Something That Came From Heaven
My Michael, I love you.

Prayer

I find myself trying very hard to deny God's presence, especially when it invades my circle of defenses. Over time, I have carefully carved out a safe spot far down inside my own determination and stand in defiance over His eventual and expected intrusion. Oddly enough, I think the reason why I love Him so much is because He doesn't always knock before He enters. He loves to just storm into my deepest parts and start turning over tables, clearing spaces, and setting things free. I struggle with my indifference and I have all kinds of objections to His leadings, but still, He is always there.
I freely admit that there is a lot of sadness hidden in the center of my hardened heart. I become impaled by my thoughts of my own personal self-worth at least one hundred times a day. But when I look up, He is beside me. He lifts me up and stands face to face with me in the circle of my despair. He often describes me as He sees me and not how I see myself.
This is why I often fall to my knees, to the earth beneath my faltering feet...lay down my sword, and weep into the dirt from whence I came. This is the place where I find that I am precious in His sight. And that's all that matters to me.

Love, Rescue Me

Love, rescue me

Come forth and speak to me

Raise me up and don't let me fall

No man is my enemy

My own hands imprison me

Love, rescue me

Many strangers I have met

On the road to my regret

Many lost who seek to find themselves in me

They ask me to reveal

The very thoughts they would conceal

Love, rescue me

And the sun in the sky

Makes a shadow of you and I

Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea

I am here without a name

In the palace of my shame

Love, rescue me

In the cold mirror of a glass

I see my reflection pass

See the dark shades of what I used to be

See the purple of her eyes

The scarlet of my lies

Love, rescue me

Say

This blog post is for a friend of mine. They know who they are.

Say

Take all of your wasted honor

Every little past frustration

Take all of your so-called problems

better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say...

Walking like a one man army

Fighting with the shadows in your head

Living out the same old moment

Knowing you'd be better off instead

If you could only...

Say what you need to say.

Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over

You'd better know that in the end

It's better to say too much

Than never say what you need to say again

So even if your hands are shaking

and your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closing

Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say.

A Celebration

Abigail just turned two. I can't believe that she has been a part of our lives for two whole years. When we first brought her home from the hospital, I kept thinking to myself, "am I ever going to get my life back?" Now, I sit in amazement every day and wonder if life gets any better than this. She is such an awesome kid. She loves jesus. She loves to pray. She loves to scream. She loves to sing and dance and make up songs about herself. The other day, I was watching her with her new baby doll that she got for her birthday. She was putting a blanket over it and feeding it a bottle. She kept saying, "don't cry baby, it's okay." I had to turn my head so that I wouldn't laugh out loud from watching her. It was really sweet to see that she is already very nurturing. She hurts when others hurt. If she see you crying, she'll come and give you a hug. She says hello to people everywhere we go, so much that it's hard to stay strangers. She has memorized everyone's name in our church so that she can say hello to them every Sunday morning. It means a lot to people and they tell her. They tell her that they appreciate her and they tell her that she is a blessing. I think that my daughter is doing an excellent job in cultivating a spirit of community where we live. Mike and I are trying hard to follow her example.

Growing Up... Abigail

Abigail speaks very well. Sometimes I forget how little she is because she sounds like a ten year old when she talks. Tonight, we were walking home from church and she pointed at the sunset and said, "Jesus made that for us Mommy." Some time ago, someone in Sunday school taught her that God lives up in the sky (which by the way, I don't quite agree with) so I told her that God lives in her heart. So, tonight when she stopped to stare at the sky, I asked her what she thought of all the warm colors. She said, "that sure is a big house." It took me by surprise when she said it because I wasn't sure if I understood it correctly. I kind of chuckled and she grabbed my thumb and said, "c'mon Mommy, I open the door." Mike had given her the keys to the house and she had them in her hand. When we got into the house, Abigail got her bath and we brushed her hair. She also loves to sit on our bathroom counter and brush her teeth. When we got done, we prayed. Not because it was bedtime, but because we had a good day today. And we had a good conversation about the sunset. I wanted to thank God for making it. So did she. When we were done praying, she said, " Thank you Jesus, Amen."