You're Not Shaken

I am sinking in the river that is raging

I am drowning, will I ever rise to breathe again?

I want to know why, I just want to understand

Will I ever know why
How could this be from Your Hand?

When every little thing that I dream of being

Just slips away like water from my hands

and when it seems the walls of my beliefs

come crashing down like they're all made of sand

I won't let go of you now, because I know

That You're not shaken.

I am trembling in the darkness of my own fear

All the questions with no answers

they grip me while I'm here

and I may never know why

and I may never understand

But I will lift up my eyes

and trust this is Your plan

I know You're in the valley of the shadow of death

and You're not shaken...

Prayer

I find myself trying very hard to deny God's presence, especially when it invades my circle of defenses. Over time, I have carefully carved out a safe spot far down inside my own determination and stand in defiance over His eventual and expected intrusion. Oddly enough, I think the reason why I love Him so much is because He doesn't always knock before He enters. He loves to just storm into my deepest parts and start turning over tables, clearing spaces, and setting things free. I struggle with my indifference and I have all kinds of objections to His leadings, but still, He is always there.
I freely admit that there is a lot of sadness hidden in the center of my hardened heart. I become impaled by my thoughts of my own personal self-worth at least one hundred times a day. But when I look up, He is beside me. He lifts me up and stands face to face with me in the circle of my despair. He often describes me as He sees me and not how I see myself.
This is why I often fall to my knees, to the earth beneath my faltering feet...lay down my sword, and weep into the dirt from whence I came. This is the place where I find that I am precious in His sight. And that's all that matters to me.

Growing Up... Abigail

Abigail speaks very well. Sometimes I forget how little she is because she sounds like a ten year old when she talks. Tonight, we were walking home from church and she pointed at the sunset and said, "Jesus made that for us Mommy." Some time ago, someone in Sunday school taught her that God lives up in the sky (which by the way, I don't quite agree with) so I told her that God lives in her heart. So, tonight when she stopped to stare at the sky, I asked her what she thought of all the warm colors. She said, "that sure is a big house." It took me by surprise when she said it because I wasn't sure if I understood it correctly. I kind of chuckled and she grabbed my thumb and said, "c'mon Mommy, I open the door." Mike had given her the keys to the house and she had them in her hand. When we got into the house, Abigail got her bath and we brushed her hair. She also loves to sit on our bathroom counter and brush her teeth. When we got done, we prayed. Not because it was bedtime, but because we had a good day today. And we had a good conversation about the sunset. I wanted to thank God for making it. So did she. When we were done praying, she said, " Thank you Jesus, Amen."

A Revelation:

After an exhausting church board meeting tonight, I figured out that there are just some things I am never going to understand. But...for the first time in a year and a half, I know that I am right where I need to be. All of my questioning, searching, and wondering has led me to a place where crying out to the LORD has become first language. And after much prayer and fasting, my questions have been answered and I have found what I was searching for. My discovery was this:

Even here....His Hand will guide me.

My Deliverer is the LORD

Have you ever had the privilege of seeing God change someone? Tonight was not the typical night, as we sat in our usual Wednesday night Bible study. I watched in astonishment as Uncle George shared his testimony, which I have never heard before. I am not even sure if he has ever publicly shared it at all. He told his story of how the LORD and His Mighty hand, delivered him from the clutches of alcoholism. Uncle George plays guitar and he loves bluegrass music. He played in the honky tonks in West Virginia and Ohio and that's when he began drinking his troubles away. Sounds like an old country song, doesn't it?
As I sat there and listened while he shared, I was deeply touched by his humbleness and the praise that he gave God for his deliverance. A little more than a year ago, Uncle George lost his beloved wife to cancer. He's been sad since then and it shows. When he talks about her, which isn't often, he gets that look in his eye that says he can hardly wait to be with her again.
I am thankful for Uncle George and thankful that through his sadness, he relies on the LORD for comfort. He knows that no one else can do a better job at understanding how he feels. And Uncle George still likes to play bluegrass music, only now, he plays it in church.

No Other Way

When your mind is a mess, so is mine
I can't sleep 'cause it hurts when I think
When my thoughts aren't at peace
with the plans that we make, and chances we take
They're not yours and not mine
They're just waves that can break
All the words that we say and the words that we mean
Words can fall short, they can't see the unseen
Cause the world is awake, for somebody's sake now
please close your eyes, can we please get some sleep
And know that if I knew all of the answers
I would not hold them from you
You'd know all the things that I'd know
We told each other, there is no other way
Well, too much silence it can be misleading
You're drifting, I can hear it in the way that your breathing
We don't really need to find reason
Cause out the same door that it came in, it's leaving
Leaving like a day that's done and part of a season
Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves
But at least we can sleep, it's all that we need
When we wake we will find
Our minds will be free

Philippians 4:13

I am starting school on Monday. After I finish the eight prerequisite classes at JCC needed to enroll, I will be entering Trinity School Of Nursing. Those prerequisites include Psychology, Sociology, Nutrition, Medical Terminology, Principles of Microbiology, Human Anatomy and Physiology, Business Math, and Chemistry. I must confess that I am intrigued by all of the horror stories that my friends in the nursing profession have told me, but I am not as scared as I thought I would be. When I went to campus for a webCT orientation, I got lost. When I finally made it to the right place, it seemed as though I was surrounded by a bunch of freshman that hadn't yet learned their social security numbers. Most of them had to leave the orientation to call mom. I wasn't sure if the feeling that was overwhelming me was one of being old and out of place, or just plain uncomfortable. I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff and I was about to jump off. I fully admit that I am nervous, but I am up to the challenge and I am excited for the change and what it will bring to our family. And I know this much is true, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Marriage Counseling 101

As Mike and I were driving home from a picnic today, he informed me that in the next week or so, we were going to be doing some marriage counseling. A young couple in our church is getting married in October. The first thought that came to my mind was a question. That question was this: How does one counsel someone who is about to get married?

Do I tell them to run for the hills because marriage is really hard work and at one point or another, one of them may want to get out of it? What tools can we give them as husband and wife that will help them to build a solid foundation not only at the beginning, but one that will transform and last throughout their lives? I've pondered these questions and these are the answers that I came up with.

First of all, know that my marriage has tested me. I have found on many occasions, that Mike and I have opposing needs, desires, perspectives, and we are both self-centered. No matter how hard we try to, we cannot love each other perfectly. I do believe that love really does cover a multitude of sins. I do believe that perfect love can exist. My only problem is that it is so very hard to love that way. Still, while we can't love perfectly, we can choose to give up whatever it is at any given time that is causing us to stumble in our attitudes. It is our responsibility once we are married, to perservere, to keep moving forward and press on towards our heavenly call in Christ Jesus.

I have also discovered that forgiving never comes naturally to me. I have to work really hard at it. I have always felt that people should pay for the wrong that they have done, myself included. I have always thought that I was right in thinking that way too, that it was my good sense of fairness. But now I have come to find that particular way of thinking to be unbiblical. My bible says that Love keeps no record of wrongs. Forgiveness is God's invention, not mine. It's how we come to terms with an unfair world in which people hurt each other deeply. Forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule. Forgiving is love's toughest work and it's biggest risk. Sometimes we twist it into something that it was never meant to be by making ourselves the doormat or the manipulator.

I have to be faithful, forgiving, and I have to extend mercy to my husband not only because I love him, but because my relationship with God began when HE forgave me.

What can we do about all the bumps and bruises? What can we do to make sure that we won't give up? We can start by accepting that hurt feelings are a part of marriage and family life. We can also acknowledge our own imperfections first before we acknowledge our spouses. We can always refuse to nurture feelings of self-pity, resentment, ot dissatisfaction. We can know that these things are not going to be easy.

Mike and I have learned and are still continuing to learn to ease our conflicts through improved communication. Once we find the right way to express our emotions appropriately, we learn and practice the art of apology on a daily basis.

The Lord faithfully loves my husband and is working in him for HIS good. When I am upset, I try to remember that. Instead of seeking control, I look for God's handiwork in every moment and I pray. I see God's awesome hand of power in every stage of our lives so far, whether painful or pleasurable. God's love for my family exceeds my highest expectations, my biggest hopes, and all of my desires. When challenges come our way, so does grace and wisdom.

So, I guess that brings to mind that same question. What do you tell someone who is about to get married? The answer: Put God first. Place your hopes in HIM alone. The relationships that HE blesses us with are worth nurturing, protecting, improving, honoring, praying for, celebrating, encouraging, appreciating, paying attention to, and most of all, enjoying.

A Prayer

Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on his radio program, "The Rest of the Story", and received a larger response to this program than any other he has ever aired. With the Lord's help, may this prayer sweep over our nation and wholeheartedly become our desire so that we again can be called "One nation under God".
"Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, "Woe to those who call evil good", but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values. We have exploited the poor and called it lottery. We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare. We have killed our unborn and called it choice. We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable. We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self-esteem. We have abused our power and called it politics. We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition. We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. We have become sexually deviant and called it a type of lifestyle. Search us, Oh God, and know our hearts today. Cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Amen."

Time Well Wasted

Mike has started a sermon series about time. He challenged the congregation to prioritize, and move God to the forefront of their daily lives by giving Him their time. The bible tells us in Matthew 6:33 about priorities. It says,
"Seek first God's kingdom and God's righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well."
This begged me to ask the question: Is there such a thing as time well wasted?
Those that are close to us know that Mike has very poor time management skills and he is often distracted when he needs to be focused. In his challenge to the congregation, I saw his great need to challenge himself to do the very same things that he was asking of them. I know that he desires to make better use of the time he has been given, but it just sometimes doesn't work out that way for whatever reason. Back to the previous question: Is there such a thing as time well wasted? I think we have a choice. We can choose to live for today and not worry about what tomorrow might bring. And although living in the moment may sound nice, it's not very practical for most people. To most, it sounds impulsive and flighty in nature. We know that we have to work and earn an income in order to support ourselves, but what else do we really HAVE to do? Some people think that time is relative to productivity, which is not necessarily true. Some think in terms of money or numbers. Some people can't sit, they can't take time because there isn't enough so they have to go, go, go and do, do, do.
Scripture also tells us this:
"Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit"; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say,"If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that." But now you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin." James 4:13-17.
What does this mean to you? To me, it means that even though I am vapor in the wind, I am to leave my mark while I am here because I won't be here for long. I think this is God's way of telling us that old familiar saying that life is too short. We are here today and gone tomorrow. Those of us that have lost someone that we care for, know that all too well. Studies have shown that a high number of people spend their time worrying and their lives are ridden with different anxieties. Those same studies show that the average person worries about things that never even happen. What a waste of time.
With that said, how do we make sure we spend our time wisely and effectively? How do we make sure that we are good stewards of the time that we have been given?
The answer: we seek Him first.

The Seed

As I was sitting here this morning, I got a phone call that a girl in our church just had her baby. As I praised God for her, I began to reflect on Abigail and her first birthday just passing and how life and creation is just amazing and wonderful to me.
He said, "I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; in pain you shall bring forth children." Prior to their separation from God, it appears that the birth of every human child was going to be an extraordinary celebration of significance and joy. Each new human was to be built within the body of the woman, fashioned by God's design that she carried within. I am in awe that God our Creator, chose for women to retain the power of life. And although it was originally given to her, that power was compromised. Even though Eve sold her birthright so to speak, God has never removed this power of life. We as women, still carry the Seed.
Women want in. They want into the heart of the matter, into the decision making, into the conversation. This is from God. For as a man's helpmate, she was designed to be involved, valued, and cherished. Eve's desire ruled over her will to obey God. But God promised that the situation would not remain this way forever. There is the promise of redemption. Eve was built to help Adam accomplish the will of God. God said that the child built within the body of a woman would destroy the works and power of Satan's dominion. When I read this, I believe that it was the first prophecy of a coming Messiah, the Seed of the woman, who would restore all things. What Jesus did with the samaritan woman, He wants to do with all of God's daughters. He wants to restore their voices. The daughter of a lion is also a lion.

A Confession

Sometimes I scroll through various blogs because I like to be inspired by other people's creativity. This morning, I stumbled across something that delighted me. In fact, I thought it to be completely profound. It was this statement: " Stop defining yourself by your most recent mistake. Don't be defined by your words, and let your words be few."
It made me ask myself the question: How many times a day, do I repent for something I said or thought, and then refuse to let go what God has forgotten?
I believe it is difficult for our finite, human minds to comprehend how God can forgive us, especially when we rarely have the capacity to fully love as He does unconditionally. Because of sin, we have conditions. Those conditions build walls instead of tearing them down. Jesus didn't come to earth build walls, but to build relationships.
What is one truth about Jesus that is hardest for you to comprehend? How do you think you would react or feel if you were able to understand everything about Him?
Today, I am confessing my doubts that I have harbored and the resistance I have felt towards God's unknowable nature.
If you are one of those people who defines yourself by your mistakes, remember that you can be restored, or established for the first time. No matter what we've done in the past, it cannot keep us from God once we seek His redemption. It can't even disqualify us from ministering in His wonderful name. Amen.

The Critical Spirit

"Instead, we will lovingly follow the truth at all times—speaking truly, dealing truly, living truly—and so become more and more in every way like Christ."
Have you ever encountered a person that just feels that they are an expert at evaluating others? They strive to seek people out and give an opinion, whether it is welcomed or not. In this post, I am going to answer some of my own questions about what it means to have a critical spirit and the way it affects others. I guess that we never really know just how we look through other people's eyes unless they choose to tell us. But the truth still remains, that we can always be sure of how we look in the eyes of our Father. If the church is the body of Christ and He fills the body, then it would be correct to say that He also directs the body in it's movements, inspires it's wisdom, and supplies it's strength. He guides the body into truth, sanctifies it, and then empowers it for witnessing. Because this is the truth, the church that is managed by men alone instead of governed by God, is surely doomed to failure.
A ministry that is college-trained, but not spirit-filled cannot work miracles. The church that adds more and more committees and activities , but neglects prayer might be large in attendance and noise, but it labors in vain and spends all of it's strength resulting in nothing. The real work of a church depends on the power of the Spirit. The presence of the Holy Spirit is vital and central to the work of the church. This same Spirit that I know, moves outside and beyond the church's set aside time for service and ignores the clock. My Bible tells me that apart from Him, wisdom becomes folly, and our own strengths become weakness. The church is called to be a "spiritual house" and an example of Christ-likeness.
Miracles are the direct work of His power, and without miracles the church cannot live. My carnal mind has argued with the subject of miracles for years, but it is the Spirit of God that convicts. Education can make people civilized, but it is being born of the Spirit that saves us. The energy of our flesh can run a rummage sale, organize a dinner, and raise money for a cause; but it is the presence of the Holy Spirit that makes the church the temple of the Living God.
Over the past few weeks, I have encountered so many people that have more faith in the world than they do in the Holy Spirit. That critical spirit is choking the life out of our church, and what I am praying for tonight, is that we get back to His realized presence and power. I am longing to see the breath of God turn death into life and turn our dry bones into mighty armies. And by faith, I know He will.

Last Lecture

I am no longer dreamless. This is what I realized about myself after watching Randy Pausch’s Last Lecture. The guy is amazing. Here he is, standing up in the face of pancreatic cancer and certain death and his focus is helping others to realize their dreams.
As I reflected on his words, I started to think about the fact that I have had many dreams during the course of my life, all of which have changed due to circumstance. When I was in high school, I wanted to be a police officer. I even went to the police station to "shadow" a detective for a day. I watched too many movies that made it look easy and I thought I would be good at it. When I graduated, I didn't want to go to college. So, I didn't do anything but waste time. After bartending and trying out numerous other career paths, I decided I wanted to be a teacher. Yes, it’s funny to me now, but this “dream” carried me all the way to college where I never wanted to go and I studied English and focused on Creative Writing. After I prematurely quit going to college, I was hit with the stark reality that there was no job called “World Saver.” So, I gave up on myself.
Fast forward 5 years, and you’ll find a 28-year-old pastor's wife and mother of one beautiful baby girl. I think about my dreams now and whether or not they are still attainable. Only now, they have changed all over again. Over the past two years, I have been learning more and more about the ways that the LORD has gifted me. One of those gifts is compassion. I have recently decided that I am going to enroll in classes this fall at Jefferson. I am planning to take some prerequesite courses there to get accepted into Trinity School of Nursing.
I am not quite sure what birthed this new desire in my heart, but in the grand scheme of things, I just want to care for people and I want more than a job that's just a paycheck.
When I listen to other professionals that complain about their jobs that they've worked for 20 and 30-years, I feel sick to my stomach. To me that sounds like a prison sentence with no chance at parole. I would never want to sacrifice time with my family to work in a job that I hated just to pay the bills. It's just not that important to me. To be honest, this new dream is just the first step to what I hope is a lifetime of ministry opportunity. One day, I would love to obtain the skills to take nursing in a missional direction. Until then, I'll keep dreaming about it and using the opportunities that I have to make it happen. The human plight has inspired me to be a "world changer". I'll leave that "world saving" business up to God.

Happy Mother's Day

My mom has a plaque on her wall that reads: "A mother holds her children's hands for awhile, and their hearts forever." On May 10th, I celebrated my first Mother's Day. Actually, I was pregnant last Mother's Day, but I figure since she wasn't born yet then it doesn't count. I think it's funny how people devote an entire day to the celebration of one particular person or thing. This year will be Mike's second Father's Day because Abigail was born on June 16th, one day before Father's Day. He likes to joke that he has one up on me. As I sit here and write this post, Abigail is eating her cheerios that she dumped out onto the floor, in between her bouts of babbling. I'm glad I ran the sweeper today. It seems as though being a mother has turned out to mean so many different things that I become overwhelmed at times. Not really overwhelmed at all the things I have to do, more like overwhelmed at the thought of this little person that can't rely on herself at all. Instead, she looks to us to feed her, bathe her, play with her, protect her, and love her. I think about how she's not just going to understand things on her own, that we have to teach her. That may sound like a simple thought, and for those people who are already parents and have been for awhile, they've probably thought the same thing at one point or another. It doesn't matter how many times I tell her that she can't climb up on the bookshelves because she does it anyway. She's also had two black eyes, numerous finger cuts, and last week her face looked like she got attacked by a wolverine. Still, she remains fearless. As for me, sometimes I feel like I may have a heart attack because of her fearlessness. I guess that's all just part of being a mother so to speak. What amazes me the most is God's grace through this season of our lives. We've prayed countless times for wisdom and understanding in the ways of parenting. We've prayed that our times of trial and error would not be harmful, but a learning experience. I know I see His grace the most when I am tired and frustrated with Abigail and she starts crying. I run to pick her up and comfort her because she needs that. His grace is enough in those moments, to calm me and bring things back into perspective...at least until the next time. I look at her, and I know that I can do this "mom thing". I look at her, and I see what happiness is.

SPOONS

Last night, I was invited to a small gathering of women by a friend of mine. I went reluctantly at first, knowing that she was the only person that I would know at this gathering. As we arrived, we walked up to the house and I was introduced to everyone. We ate, talked, and played a very violent game of SPOONS, of which I had never played before. For those of you that have never played this game, picture this: a bunch of well-dressed, "church ladies" of all ages diving across a table for a spoon, seemingly well-behaved on most days except for when they are the one left without the spoon. That's when the tantrums begin to surface and those same grown women that would never utter a belittling word, begin to shout accusations at one another. Yes, it's all in the name of a little friendly competition. As the night went on, my fears and apprehension turned to laughter. We had a great time and I really needed it. I started to realize on the way home, that I have been searching for a season of my life that has already passed, trying to reclaim it because I don't think I was entirely ready to give it up in the first place. Only in that revelation, did I find that what I have been longing for is here. I just haven't pursued it because of my own fears. Sitting there around that table reminded me of home. It brought to mind all of those times that I sat with my friends and talked about the same things. We are all different people, creatures of many habits with our own will to do things our own way, and yet we are all still the same in the sense that we require love and fellowship from others; a need to connect, to feel valued and loved and wanted. We are all searching and I am not alone.

Sing A New Song

I've noticed that Abigail seems to have an appreciation for music. When she hears a song that she likes, she sways or bounces. She also stands up at the table and moves her legs as if she is showing us how she can dance. She has an incredibly surprising sense of rhythm too, which I don't mind saying is definitely inherited. This past weekend, we attended a church service in Grove City, and she was raising her hands and clapping. She gets so excited and it makes me smile to watch her learn new things. On our way back home, she sang along to The Temptations and Sam Cooke. She has a little piano that she pounds on every so often and she is very interested in getting ahold of Mike's guitar. Actually, she's interested in getting ahold of everything these days.

Love

Of Course, love is a difficult word to define. But let me try listing what I think the future of Christian love should involve:

• loving without putting our acts of kindness on a pedestal. What ever happened to giving in secret? Glamorous charity is not charity at all.
• loving without strings, unconditionally, no bait and switches.
• being unconcerned about being unnamed, rewarded, or repaid
• prioritizing others, even in the midst of our own discomfort
• advocating for the undefended
• being a voice for the voiceless
• being better listeners to those who need to be heard
• being a church without walls-simple church, organic church, mega church-it's all good. We are one church.
• seeing the church as the home of the fringe, the misfits, and the marginalized, where these same people lead with real authority.
• willing to lay down our lives for others, like first-century Christians did when pandemics struck their cities. They stayed when others left.
• responding immediately to global crisis
• long term commitment to radical and sacrificial compassion for the poor.
• being a gentle conversationalist with the world
• showing love for Christ more than love for Christianity as a culture
• creating a place where all are truly empowered, led, and seen for who they are. A place where everyone finally reflects the majority of a multi-cultural world. Jesus didn't really have long, blonde hair and blue eyes! (or did He?)

Dave Gibbons - pastor, New Song Church

Global

"My hope is that, in the future, evangelical leaders will ensure that their social agenda includes such vital but controversial topics as halting climate change, eradicating poverty, abolishing armories of mass destruction, responding adequately to the AIDS pandemic, and asserting the human rights of women and children in all cultures and countries."

John Stott -rector emeritus, All Souls Church, London

Food For Thought

Mike and I are excited about planting a garden this spring. We have been talking about growing our own food for a long time, and now that it is starting to get a little warmer outside, we can do it. I am not really educated about growing food, but I know I like food so I am hoping that it will prove to be more fun than difficult. What I am most excited about is showing Abigail how to help us. Currently, we make all of her food at home instead of buying baby food in a jar or box. It is less expensive and better for her since most of the food that we eat is organic or natural. We try not to eat a lot of foods that are loaded with preservatives or artificial ingredients. I know that she is eating healthy. I am hoping that she will continue this as an adult if we teach her that it is better, but for now I am just happy that she is not a picky eater. She had rolled oats for breakfast, and she had brown rice, beets, and apples for lunch. For dinner, she had half of an avocado and some milk. She seems to love eating this way and as long as she doesn't think she has an option, I will continue to feed it to her. I want her to learn how to pick her favorite foods from our garden. I want to teach her where food comes from and how to take care of nature and God's creation. I want to teach her how to cook too, and I am excited for the day she wants to make a big mess making cookies in our house. I don't see a lot of children outdoors anymore and I don't want Abigail to be like that. When I was a kid, I played outside and I got dirty. I went swimming in the lake and dug up worms for fishing, played TAG and caught fireflies. Now, most kids sit in front of the TV playing video games. They like McDonald's and Burger King. If it's processed and convenient, or if it comes in a package that they can just rip open and eat, then it saves time. That's something that we all need...more time. In conclusion, I plan to spend "more time" teaching my beloved child (children) about the wonderful things that God created, like playing in the grass and counting the stars. I will read to them about how time began...

in a garden.