Marriage Counseling 101

As Mike and I were driving home from a picnic today, he informed me that in the next week or so, we were going to be doing some marriage counseling. A young couple in our church is getting married in October. The first thought that came to my mind was a question. That question was this: How does one counsel someone who is about to get married?

Do I tell them to run for the hills because marriage is really hard work and at one point or another, one of them may want to get out of it? What tools can we give them as husband and wife that will help them to build a solid foundation not only at the beginning, but one that will transform and last throughout their lives? I've pondered these questions and these are the answers that I came up with.

First of all, know that my marriage has tested me. I have found on many occasions, that Mike and I have opposing needs, desires, perspectives, and we are both self-centered. No matter how hard we try to, we cannot love each other perfectly. I do believe that love really does cover a multitude of sins. I do believe that perfect love can exist. My only problem is that it is so very hard to love that way. Still, while we can't love perfectly, we can choose to give up whatever it is at any given time that is causing us to stumble in our attitudes. It is our responsibility once we are married, to perservere, to keep moving forward and press on towards our heavenly call in Christ Jesus.

I have also discovered that forgiving never comes naturally to me. I have to work really hard at it. I have always felt that people should pay for the wrong that they have done, myself included. I have always thought that I was right in thinking that way too, that it was my good sense of fairness. But now I have come to find that particular way of thinking to be unbiblical. My bible says that Love keeps no record of wrongs. Forgiveness is God's invention, not mine. It's how we come to terms with an unfair world in which people hurt each other deeply. Forgiving is love's power to break nature's rule. Forgiving is love's toughest work and it's biggest risk. Sometimes we twist it into something that it was never meant to be by making ourselves the doormat or the manipulator.

I have to be faithful, forgiving, and I have to extend mercy to my husband not only because I love him, but because my relationship with God began when HE forgave me.

What can we do about all the bumps and bruises? What can we do to make sure that we won't give up? We can start by accepting that hurt feelings are a part of marriage and family life. We can also acknowledge our own imperfections first before we acknowledge our spouses. We can always refuse to nurture feelings of self-pity, resentment, ot dissatisfaction. We can know that these things are not going to be easy.

Mike and I have learned and are still continuing to learn to ease our conflicts through improved communication. Once we find the right way to express our emotions appropriately, we learn and practice the art of apology on a daily basis.

The Lord faithfully loves my husband and is working in him for HIS good. When I am upset, I try to remember that. Instead of seeking control, I look for God's handiwork in every moment and I pray. I see God's awesome hand of power in every stage of our lives so far, whether painful or pleasurable. God's love for my family exceeds my highest expectations, my biggest hopes, and all of my desires. When challenges come our way, so does grace and wisdom.

So, I guess that brings to mind that same question. What do you tell someone who is about to get married? The answer: Put God first. Place your hopes in HIM alone. The relationships that HE blesses us with are worth nurturing, protecting, improving, honoring, praying for, celebrating, encouraging, appreciating, paying attention to, and most of all, enjoying.

Two Alike

Prov 31:26-28

She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness.

She watches over the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children rise up and call her blessed;

NKJV

The Face of Christ

I had an epiphany this morning. I had a series of dreams last night and every single one of them involved what has been going on in our church. For those of you in the dark, let me shed some light. In short, we have made it our mission to not give up on loving the people of Wintersville Community Chapel, despite the few hang nails and speed bumps we have encountered.

Back to what I was saying before...I realized how complex the role of a pastor has become in the church today. Massive changes in cultural and societal environments of the church in the twentieth century seem to call into question everything the church has always believed about herself. It is the mission of the pastor to see that those in the midst of those changes, do not feel like "sheep without a shepherd". He or she must present the gospel of Christ and the cross to a "lost and dying world." Simply put: Ministry is people.

It also hit me that God is not napping during this hour of opportunity and harvest. He is watching and waiting for His bride to get herself ready. Some churches have become unbearable activity traps. How can we be effective in reaching other people if we are constantly involved in ministry (with other Christians) that never leave the church? There are other churches that have become steeped in a sense of purposelessness. They blame their complacency on the changing times, younger leadership, or lack of heart. Personally, I think the church has reached a crossroads. I've heard it said that this next generation, may be the last generation of Christians.

Jesus was a shepherd. He cared for the flock and was moved with compassion for them. He wanted what was in their best interest, and He went out of His way to make Himself uncomfortable and available for other people. He traveled long distances and had no place to lay His head. He sacrificed. Seeing this type of outreach without personal gain, is rare in the church today. People want to help the homeless for the "experience", to make them feel better about themselves, rather than stooping down and looking someone in the eye to understand why they are in the situation they are in. At one time, I was actively involved in a church ministry that would travel by van every Sunday evening to the streets in downtown Columbus and feed the homeless people there. Some of the people had shelter provided by the local faith missions, and some slept under the bridges night after night. Truth be told, the people didn't really need food. In fact, more often than not, by the time we arrived they had already been fed by the faith mission. Most of them had clothes that were in decent shape. We brought them food and clothes anyway, even though our mission was not to feed the homeless "food", but to feed them the Word of God. Our purpose was not to focus on converting them or to get them to join our church, but to give them hope in Jesus. It is not realistic to believe that a homeless person is going to get off drugs, leave the streets, and become an active participant in church once he or she accepts the Lord into their life. It's more realistic to believe that they may need ministered to a number of times, or that they will fall back into the same trap because they can't get out. It's easier to give up than to have hope in something and be let down. Only they are not let down by God, they are let down by us; the ones that go in the name of Jesus.

My husband has said numerous times that if he could do anything else for a living, he would. It's his job to aid in developing the hearts and minds of the people in his congregation to effectively go out into the community and represent Jesus. He must teach them to apply the gospel to their everyday lives. Jesus washed the feet of His disciples. I can imagine how dirty and gross their feet must have been after traveling such long distances through the deserts surrounding them. And yet, He got down in their dirtiness and sin, and washed them anyway. He left us an example to live by in the way we are to treat others.

"How then shall they call on Him in whom they have not believed? And how will they believe in whom they have not heard of? And how will they hear without a preacher? And how will they preach unless they are sent? As it is written: how beautiful are the feet of those who come in the name of the LORD, who preach the gospel of peace. Who bring glad tidings of good things!" Matthew 10:14,15